In celebration of this week’s one-sided brilliant derby victory, as well as our city rivals shock 5-2 humiliation on home turf vs. the 10th placed club in the Bundesliga, we EXCLUSIVELY present you an extract from L30nardo’s new book expected this summer, titled “Goodbye Milano: L30nardo’s Guide to Coaching”. The books’ publishing company, 3 Derby Defeats ®, has put a price of 30 Denarii on each copy.
L30’s Guide To Coaching
1. Use 27 strikers/match.
2. Extensive attacking training, but peaceful attacking. “Attacking” is such an aggressive word, brings negativity, don’t want to spread that around the world.
3. Soft defending. Don’t press your opponents too much or it might irritate them. Remember, Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around.
4. Happy positioning. Players should be positioned in a way as to create a smiley face. This way, it would bring a positive vibe to the team and help them win.
5. The art of conceding. Because games aren’t fun unless the total goals are more than our number of strikers.
6. Group hugs after conceding. It would help strengthen the teams’ spirit and morale. Also it would ease crying into each others shoulders. Remember, crying kicks the boo-hoos out.
7. No tackles while defending, it might hurt the opponents and this is not good sportsmanship.
8. Leave gaps in defense. This way the opponents get more chances, the football fans get entertained, and Julio Cesar earns his paycheck. Therefore, everybody goes home a winner.
9. Special bonus for Chivu after every red card. The bonus is bigger if it’s 2 yellows. and even bigger if it’s 2 games in a row.
10. Only maximum of 3 players have to be in the team’s defensive half. The rest of the players should attack (peaceful attacking) every area of the opponents pitch. Remember, offense is the best defense.
11. If the team can’t produce something useful with the ball, then give it to the opponents and open wide gaps so that the audience receive value for their tickets.
12. Never defend a lead, because comebacks are worth experiencing. Even if it’s for the opponents. Wish others what you wish upon yourselves.
13. Extra yoga and massage sessions after defeats. Helps relax the state of mind and gain positivity.
14. If the team wins, they deserve to be praised for winning. If the team draws, they deserve to be praised for trying. If the team loses, they deserve to be praised for participating.
15. Never shout.
16. Only shout if the score ends 0-0.
17. Scratch #16. Only shout if the game ends with less than 5 goals, each.
18. Each player is obliged to have at least 5 daily hugs from me. Makes it easier to smell the hair.
Also there’s a tutor video to help with the look on the touchline. It shows the ‘Hand on the Chin’ gesture to simulate being lost in thought. As well as the brand new ‘Fake Yell’ and ‘Talk To The Bench’ to pretend taking part in the game. Finally we have the good old ‘Follow The Ball With Your Eyes’ trick to help look interested.
We leave you now with photos of this week’s derby hero, Alexandre Pato:
This is the last and final part of our special derby preview. Enjoy and don’t hesitate to share your thoughts with us in the comments!
3. Do you have any local Inter rivals? If yes, are there any special ways you tease them or vice versa based on the result?
Jasper: The teasing goes on all year for any negative result opposition recieves. But derby talk is always part of the gloating. Above just jumping to their face(Chi non salta nerazzurro e e) I’ve made T-shirts before the game lately:
Cheap to make and though their quality is sort of ‘use-only-once’ they come very handy if your local interista goes to the same football practice as you.
DugiNesta: As the football in my country its not in a good condiction most of the people here have a favourite foreing team and I know many people here that are Inter fans and many that are Milan fans. There are more who are Milan fans, one of the reasons might be the colours of Milan jerseys red&black which are the same as our flag.
From my closest friends i’ve got only one friend who’s a die hard Inter fan, but I got three others who are DIE HARD Milan fans. But the thing is that my other friends, Barcelona, RealMadrid, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea fans they all are against Milan bar ManUTD fans. So whenever I watch a Milan game with them it doesnt matter the opponent they all the time are against Milan.
In my family, my younger and only brother who’s 16 years old is an Inter fan. So most of the derbies we watch at home, lateley he’s been winning which wasnt very good for me. We won the first game and I would break most of the things in my house, if we win against them and securing almost the tittle against the team who won the treble. And we beat that team twice, that’s would be like a dream. Until the next derby I would be one of the happiest persons in the world.
Sven: They’re mostly childhood friends and now I live far from then, so it’s all phone calls and internet. I exchange e-mails almost daily with one hardcore Interista, but no word at all about football since the Palermo game. Same goes for the others, my friends are always like that, the fear of what you say will be used against you after the result. Pretty sure the winners will send e-mails, calls and text messages the losers after the atch though. It’s alway like that.
inomilan: Since my country is just starting to love football just now, (thanks to, finally, good coverage of the world cup last year and the fact that the national team is actually improving) there are rarely, if any, other serie a fans since only EPL games are shown. So it’s more of me trying to defend Milan against those epl lovers. The fact that they rate Tottenham above us was just plain disgusting. So by beating Inter, at least it shows that Milan is really one of the best, and I can shut up those people who doubt us.
Sage: I dont know any Inter fans, but I know juventus fans and roma fans, and I never ridicule them, I just dont like making fun of someone and expect them to shut the fuck up when they beat us, so whenever Milan beat juventus or roma, I just tell them “hard luck” and same happens when their teams beat Milan.
There is simple making fun between us, but mutual respect as well.
seveners: I don’t have any local Merda rivals as far as I know because they know Merda is just a piece of shit. But since the got the treble i saw some kids wearing their shit jersey, but i don’t care.
If I got the options to choose to watch the game live in the stadium between the derby, CL final and World Cup final I certainly will choose to to watch the derby, i don’t care CL and WC final, bring me the DERBY!!!
Cristina: No, thank god. Although, there is a Man Utd fan and a Barcelona fan that like to make fun of me when things go bad. After the 4-0 game last year, my god. Ofcourse any win will do, but it would be great if we can pull a dominating and memorable win this Saturday.
Congo Powers: all my friends (including inter fans) from my youth live around the world….never see them again. sometimes we’ll email/facebook (n/h) afterwards. games were better back in the day (n/h)
Sod-Lod: Unfortunately yes, and I’m try my best to deal with them as they belong to illusions hypocrisy team.
Pedro: No. Though I have been teased at times when Milan lost the derby. No any rivalry or so though.
Giova21: I only have one true fellow Italian fan but he supports Napoli, and with his vehement detest of all things Inter, Napoli are my second team. He says as much as a Milan loss helps Napoli with scudetto hopes he still wants Milan to win so there is mutual respect. I know this is somewhat immature but I couldn’t see myself getting along too well with someone who supports Inter as passionately as I do Milan.
diehardmilanist: Yes,there are lots of friends of mine who are Merda fans,I am sorry because even some good friends of mine turn into attackers when I talk about Milan(like I say we have won 7 Champions Leagues,we are the most succesful club in the world,that lots of our players won Ballon D’or,we had a lot of legends and still have,they have less 😛 ) and all I hear from them against all this,is that our players are gay and that they are the first Italian team to have won the Tripletta 😛 f*** them,pathetic,mediocre people,fans of a pathetic,mediocre,MERDA Club. I hope we win the derby,am really optimist for it.
Charbel: Not really.
Senatore_M84: One of my best friends is an inter fan. Yes, since we met in college, i believe he became an inter fan for 2 reasons, 1. he had an obsession with argentina and thus zanetti (he ended up moving there for a while) 2. because he liked to annoy me.
Watch most derbies with him. It gets heated. But for me it’s much worse since Inter rose. When they weren’t as good, even if they won it was like meh, look at scudetto standings, who’s still in ucl etc. etc. Now, not so much….
Last couple years it’s been very intense, and usually loser wants nothing to do with person for next day or two.
Dwa Milan: Yes, have few close friends that are Inter rivals. sadly there’s not much hate between us regarding the club we support the teasing only comes in the last few seasons, simply because we were no where near challenging them(but it wasn’t really an annoying tease).
2. Our fondest memories are bound to be exceptional goals, games and wins. But what special memories do you have regarding your own actions (preparations, celebrations, trips) towards the derby?
Jasper: The thought of the derby starts haunting me from the final whistle of the previous Serie A game. Then the derby week starts where you need to know everything about upcoming match as well as look up every previous victory. No outragegous celebrations come to my mind. Just the usual Galliani-Crudeli crazyness during goals and final whistle. And my only derbytrip was the 4-3 loss.
DugiNesta: Today its the fourth day I didnt take off my Milan jersey. (I wore my Nesta jersey for two days and in the last two days I’m wearing Pirlo’s). I remember that one of my craziest moments watching the derby was in the clashes in Champions League especially when Sheva scored the goal in the semifinal. I was only 11 or 12 then and I remember that I went running, jumping, screaming and crying in my yard. And I hurt my hand while I was jumping.
The other one was when Sheva scored a superb goal with his left foot in the returning leg of quarterfinal I was at my cousins house who also is a Milan fan and I remember us jumping all over the house and that day we broke a table, a window, some glass, a phone. I have many other memories for example last year when they beat us 4-0 I broke my iPhone and broke a window by trying to hit my brother cause he’s an inter fan.
Sven: First I avoid to watch Milan games like these on bars and public spaces. This is something I promissed to myself in 2007. I can watch a normal Serie A fixture, but games like this I want to stay at home. I also avoid contact with supporters of other Italian teams pre-derby cause this can ruin my mood. Somehow I choose to live the derby my own way. And alcohol, I simply need alcohol.
inomilan: I remember having a conference in yahoo messenger with my friends and giving them links to watch the derby. It was in the 07-08 season, the 2nd derby, the one we won. I remember it fondly because I just graduated high school, and looking back, that was the game that got my friends interested in football. So yeah, it’s special to me because for once, I’m not alone watching Milan play.
Sage: I never prepare anything for any game, but the main difference is that for this derby im going to be extremely tense, there is so much on the line and just thinking of it gets me nervous.
seveners: I don’t have any preparations , just too nervous to do anything, sometimes my body shaking a bit during the match, it’s really uncomfortable, till now i still can’t find a way to makes me feel better during the game. The 6-0 victory always become a special derby. At that day we really put them back to where they are trully belong. s***
Cristina: The game is usually in the middle of the afternoon for me. I wake up late because I won’t be able to get anything done while waiting (too nervous). I usually watch it at home with my dad, and the same 2-3 cousins when they can make it. We all root for Milan, it’s great when we win, very depressing if we lose – each contributing to the memories.
Congo Powers: ~i ONLY watch the game by myself. a long time ago, as a rash youth, i watched it with other people. im just an unpleasant person during this occasion…it doesnt work out. sometimes friends ask to watch it with me, i oblige, but its a clearly defined understanding of 100% pro milan irrelevant of anything else.
Sod-Lod: I witnessed most of the derby games, i prepared for it as if I’m going to splash a speech in the crowder auditorium, buy Milan shirt, help my Friends for the festival (Pre and Post) and selecting phrases and quotes for the banner and make sure our members are ready for the show.
Each one is like a page in the memory history to flash it back and enjoy with it is sweetness and bitterness moments, but the best were 6-0, 4-2, 2-1 + 2-0 & 3-0 CL and recently 1-0 victories.
Pedro: None. Nothing special at least.
Giova21: I’ve been to one derby, May 2008 when Inzaghi and Kaka scored, that’s easily my most memorable, was just surreal but in terms of prep for it well I did nothing out of the ordinary. As for other derbies I have my suspicions as to what to wear, what to say even so much as what to eat, another thing I try to avoid is watching it with my friend George. He’sa very good friend of mine but his lack of intensity and understanding of what it means to me means his negative energy often I feel affects the result and performance of the team.
diehardmilanist: I am 18 years old almost and I have been a fan of Milan since 7. I have been wearing a nameless Milan T-Shirt for 5 days in a row now,and I plan to wear it till the derby night,during the match as well. This match,I am watching it in a Rossonero cafe here in Shkodra,where there are no other fans except Milans allowed to enter,and there is a big screen to watch the match and I think it will be awesome if we won it.
Charbel: It’s funny to be honest. I usually get myself ready by just seeing the formations and watching a couple of Milan clips. Then, I give myself a rest as I feel that in someway I’m going to contribute to the win, whether it’s jinxing Inter or anything…I feel I’m a part of it. It’s not only a derby feeling, but for some reason I get really nervous thinking that losing will be my fault to a certain degree..
Senatore_M84: For me, the best one was the euro-derby. The way inter collapsed. The way, milan was owning them, with sheva near top of his game, and kaka, pirlo ,gattuso and everyone at there bests.
And fact they had to forfeit even though they had NO CHANCE at winning was just icing. Additional embarrassment. Kind of summed up my feelings towards them in pre-calciopoli era. I remember watching this one with my friend (who will be mentioned below), probably lowest I’ve ever seen him. Was great
My own actions…. I have traditions. Game is typically on at 11:30-11:45 am my time. I like to wake up early, put on a milan shirt immediately, and watch highlights. Get myself excited. It’s hard to explain, there’s a real anticipation
Dwa Milan: The most memorable derby in the last few years probably the 3-2 victory after coming back from a 2-0 down, the emotion after that comeback is just great. I never really made any special plan (unless I’m watching it in the stadium), probably just watching it by myself if since it’s better to do that coz I can go wild without embarrassing myself.
With the upcoming Derby Della Madonnina we asked members of The Red & Black Forums a few questions. Here are the answers (disclaimer – we didn’t edit the grammar and syntax, feeling that some of the thoughts might become too official while they were written in a somewhat poetic style):
1. In a few words describe what the derby means to you, a fan not living in Milan?
Jasper: Everything. Hard to explain. I’m so desperate I play lottery that week just to get lucky and see it. This year numbers are 36; 7; 35; 3; 31; 39. (lottery failed only got one number right)
DugiNesta: It means alot to me. I’m in university but I got one week off and came home to prepare for the derby. My local team is gonna play this weekend too and what’s the funny thing is that will be also a city derby like Milan – Inter. I support that team for all the time I remember but all I’m thinking is MILAN – INTER.
Sven: Every derby is a different for me. Overall it was not a big deal before Inter run of Scudetto’s, the inequality was too much and I used to saw Juve as a bigger game sometimes. But those days it has become the game of the season. I got anxious like no other game, and this one is hitting on my nerves. Sometimes I just want it to end fast. This feeling reminds me UCL’s finals and semis of the past.
inomilan: I just love it. Beating those pezzo di merda f*** gives me so much joy. It’s because of this game I got my friends to watch football (and it’s the only time they see me crazy, even if it was just through live streaming). Being a fan not living in Milan, this is the time that streams are usually better, so I get to watch them more.
Sage: the derby is a beautiful game when there is something on the line, but in recent years its importance has been irrelevant and the only reason you would badly want to win is based on hate, but when there is something on the line, may it be 3 crucial points or a knock out stage, it makes the victory much sweeter, and the loss far more bitter.
seveners: The derby is always the most important game of the year for (and CL final if we make of course). There is no word to describe it.
Cristina: It’s the game you look forward to all season long. This year there’s so much on the line, I don’t know how I’ll be able to keep calm during the game. We all want the Scudetto badly, and there’s no better way to get there by beating Inter.
Congo Powers: ~my fav derby was the CL semi euroderby. in the past few years its been the most important fixture of the year..for a few reasons… obvi this year it is THE game of the year. i drink exclusive liquor for this match. will most likely be barbancourt this time.
Sod-Lod: It is the ancient sacred heart believe, personality determines and emotionality disinters!
Pedro: When it comes to football a lot. The derby always matters. In football I like to see my team winning when it matters, and/or beating their main rival. Now both are the case, so this game matters twice as much as most games. The game will certainly affect my mood (the game being nervous breaking and emotional), but in the end it is only football to me – a game in which I don’t even participate myself, so why bother too much about something you cannot influence?
Giova21: It means so much, sadly living in northern England there are few who share my passion for it so I cant discuss it in great detail with many people before I get annoyed that they’re frankly not interested (dumbass manutd/liverpool/chelsea fans). However for me it defines my mood for weeks, whether its just a case of pride or to actually decide a league/cup I celebrate it like I did when Italy beat France in 2006. It’s bragging rights it’s pride it’s putting those lowlife pezzi di merda in their place, rubbing their noses in it!! I’m nervous even before the previous fixture has kicked off, and throughout the match (especially this season’s first leg) I was shaking for ninety minutes but let out a full-blooded roar when Tagliavento blew the whistle!
diehardmilanist: I am from Albania(definitely out of Milano 😛 ) and the derby means a lot to me. I am excited as hell on all Milan matches,but when we play against Merda I feel better than when I am high sometimes, definitely when it happens,the match of the year for me and I am all fired up for it
Charbel: As of late, it’s not been of true significance. The outcome didn’t change the course of the season’ of each team, and thus it really hasn’t been all that important. But, fact remains, when the season is over and I’ll be starving to watch any match related to Milan – it’s usually the derby that is put. I’d watch the game again and again if it was a win, if it’s a loss though I’ll make sure that i don’t come across the channel putting the match for the next couple of hours. This year, it’s different though. A win for either side would bring them one step closer to the Scudetto, so this just adds icing to the cake.
Senatore_M84: For me it’s weird. The derbies significance didn’t REALLY mean the same to me till about 2007. Pre-calciopoli i ALWAYS looked forward to jube more as the rival. Hated Jube, wanted them done.
Since calciopoli I’ve moved away from that really. Inter with there involvement and rise has gotten to me in another way. Before it was fun, even if inter won, i wasn’t concerned. It was almost like losing to Roma, oh whatever sucks but they aren’t a rival. Yeah of course I didn’t want to lose but it didn’t hit me the same.
It’s only since then, seeing millions jump on inter bandwagon, see them run milan’s name thru the dirt, calling milan cheaters “oh milan was involved in calciopoli!” etc. that REALLY struck a nerve.
Now it’s like dead week for me. Just major anticipation all week, can’t wait… and real depression upon a loss
Dwa Milan: The Derby is always important but the prestige and excitement will be bigger for me when it becomes a decisive game in our season, such as the ones on the Champions League and this season I guess.